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Once Upon A Space Time
Characters in order of Appearance
Space Cannibals Optional futuristic rock band Marie Curie Johnny Beefcake Spunk from the colony Billy Ray Spunkles Adolf Android Napoleon Android Max Evil The bridge of a large space craft. Upstage is a raised platform upon which is a high-backed chair. Behind this, the backdrop is a large window filled with the blackness of space and an abundance of stars. Stage left is a table and several chairs. To one side of the stage is a projection screen on a separate rise. As the curtain opens a girl in her late teens is sitting on the chair, tapping rhythmically on its arms, as if programming a computer. She is pretty, but rather raggedly dressed (like Huck Finn). As the curtain finishes opening, she gives a definite tap on the arm of the chair and sits back. Mary Lou Alrightee, now. Let’s see how you sound, Mr Song. She taps the arm of the chair once more. She raises from her chair as the song begins and performs it to an imaginary audience. The Valley of the Lost Heart
Sung by Mary Lou
Caught in the valley of the lost heart Caught in the valley of the lost soul I keep dreamin’ about a love I cannot find Caught in the valley of the lost heart Caught in the valley of the lost soul I keep dreamin’ about a love I cannot find I keep dreamin’ about your love But who am I dreamin’ of? I keep singin’ about your love But who am I singin’ of? I keep dreamin’ about a love I’ll never know, honey I keep singin’ about a thing I’ll never own A love I’ll never know Why do I cry? Why do I cry, honey? I’ve never seen a sunlit sky, honey I’ve only ever seen the starlit void No sun can I call home No sun to call my own No son to call my own And so I cry - Caught in the valley of the lost heart Caught in the valley of the lost soul I keep dreamin’ about a love I cannot find Caught in the valley of the lost heart Caught in the valley of the lost soul I keep dreamin’ about a love I cannot find I keep dreamin’ about your smile But who is it smilin’? I keep tryin’ to see your face But I can’t seem to find it I keep dreamin’ about a love I’ll never know, honey I keep singin’ about a thing I’ll never own A thing I’ll never own Why do I cry? Why do I cry, honey? I’ve never seen a sunlit sky, honey I’ve only ever seen the starlit void No sun can I call home No sun to call my own No son to call my own And so I cry - Caught in the valley of the lost heart Caught in the valley of the lost soul I keep dreamin’ about a love I cannot find Caught in the valley of the lost heart Caught in the valley of the lost soul I keep dreamin’ about a love I cannot find Gotta keep dreamin’, gotta keep dreamin’. gotta keep dreamin’ Dreamin’ about your love At the conclusion of the song, she stands, downstage centre, deep in thought. A fat, pimply adolescent enters, stage right. He is in his mid teens and is dressed similarly to the girl. Jasper Hey, Wha’s it look like I’m doin’, Jasper? Eatin’ a scientist? I’m writin’ another song. Jasper It’s about wishful thinkin’, brother of mine, jus’ Why pop says I can’t even think. So there ain’t much ways I can get to wishful thinkin’. Mary puts her arm around her brother. Mary Lou Well, let me tell you somethin’, Jasper. In our predicament, you are blessed, boy. You are better off not thinkin’ at all. ‘Cos I tell ya, thinkin’ too much out here in the middle of who-knows-where, is enough to drive a person mad. Jasper But I do get mad sometimes, sis, on account of I’m Not mad as in angry, Jasper, mad as in insane. We’ve lived our whole lives on board this here hunk of metal and no one on board knows where we are or what the heck we’re doin’ here. Don’t you ever get curious about that? Jasper But we got a bowlin’ alley, an’ a golf course, an’ a virtual reality play room and a . Mary Lou I know all that, Jasper. We got a whole dang city made of steel and titanium beneath us. Heck, this space ship’s a floatin’ entertainment centre! But don’t you ever wonder how it all got here? I mean, don’t you ever think about things like that? She looks at him for a moment or two. Jasper appears to be in thought. Jasper Never mind, brother, never mind. Like I said before, you are blessed with a superb lack of mental acuity. Jasper (flattered) Aw shucks, thanks, sis. But how come you know so much? Mary Lou ‘Cos I can read. There’s a stash of books down on level sixteen. Thas how I learned me to read, and write too. Jasper How would he know? He ain’t never read one. Books ain’t evil, Jasper. Far as I can tell, people is If ‘n I was you, Mary Lou, I wouldn’t let daddy I’m old enough to fight my own battles, baby brother. Now hush. Here come mommy an’ daddy now. Mary Lou sits at the table. Hank and Sarsaparilla enter. They are middle aged and dressed in the same manner as their children. Hank is carrying a video disc which he is holding aloft as he enters. Hank Honey, all I said was Charlton Heston might not be (wheeling around on her) Why, Sarsaparilla Sinclair, the things you do say. Wha’s gotten into you today, gal? Sarsaparilla Now don’t get angry on me, Hank. I hate it when you do that. I’m just questionin’ the authority of that particular document. It may not be the be-all and end-all of religious instruction, as you seem to think. Hank I will not even dignify that opinion with a reply, Sarsaparilla. (holding up the video) Both you know and I know that Charlton Heston is the chosen one and he went forward in time, the only being to do so, except for Saint Schwarzenegger, to reclaim the earth from the lowly apes. Mary Lou (wheeling on her) What’s that you say? You just finished sayin’ that you wasn’t gonna dignify momma’s comment with a comment of your own, ‘n’ then you did. Hank My goodness. It seems that everybody sassing Don’t you get smart with me now, you hear? (wheeling back on his wife) And where’d you hear that word, Amen? Mary Lou (turning abruptly back to his daughter) In the Bi. Now you listen to me, both of ya. You both know I told you never to read that trash. (holding up the video) This here is the only truth you need. The Planet of the Apes, Books One to Five. Sarsaparilla while the apes were still on horseback. So Charlton Heston is God an’ that’s all there is to it. The end. A man and a woman, both in their forties, enter. They are both immaculately dressed in evening wear. Monty Back on our hobby horse are we, Hank, old man. We have as much right to our opinion as he does Yes, you’re quite right, dear, but for the sake of precious little to do with it. Monty and Amanda have a polite chuckle between themselves at Hank’s expense. Hank (mocking them) Oh te he he he he. (angrily) For the sake of civility- kiss my cumquat! Amanda Really! I’ll thank you not to speak to my husband in nothing but lower level baggage. He doesn’t belong on the bridge at all. Sarsaparilla think you agreed with your husband’s gibberings. Sarsaparilla Well, I don’t, but he is my husband, so lay off of ‘im. Both you and I know, Amanda, husbands’ gibber. It’s mainly what they do. Amanda (laughing) It’s so difficult to argue with the truth. Hank (pronouncing) Men is superior to woman! Ain’t that Tell me, how does one spell ‘intelligent’? If you spent more time in the library, rather than spending all your time in the cinema watching science fiction videos, you might learn how to read and write. Hank Vader. If it ain’t in the science fiction collection, it ain’t true. Sarsaparilla Hank Sinclair, you is my husband but I gotta admit, the superiority of men over women, when every word that drops outa your mouth proves you wrong. And, love my son though I do, I gotta be honest, he ain’t the greatest advertisement for brain power I ever seen. Hank Oh come on, Sas, don’t bring Jasper into it. That boy ain’t normal. He put the ‘S’ in stupid. Mary Lou Daddy, how do you know how to spell? (playfully) Maybe learnin’ how to read and write a little? Well, maybe I learned how to read some things. We should name an award after you, Hank - The Hank Sinclair First Class Hypocrite Award. I admit, I did look at a few books but that was a long time ago before I seen the error of my ways. Monty Two children enter. A boy of about ten and a girl of perhaps seven or eight. The boy is dressed as a sailor and the girl wears a pinafore. Amanda (kissing the children as they enter) Ham! Pickles! Hank Mummy, make that horrible man go away. Amanda (in a baby voice) Don’t worry about the horrid little man, mummy’s pickly pickly poos. He’s just a silly little sausage. He won’t hurt you. Hank Hank, you touch one hair on that boy’s head and My mummy says you don’t read books like the rest of us. (pointing at Ham) That reminds me, I have to use Now let’s all just calm down a minute here. A man in his late thirties and a young woman of about twenty enter. Both are casually dressed. Harry You know that big control room down on level twenty six? The one with the big sign on the door which says in bold letters: ‘Danger. Keep Out’? Well guess where they was? Swingin’ on a lever which said: ‘Extreme caution. Amanda (in a baby voice) Don’t you listen to the nasty wittle man. He’s just jealous of my clever wittle babies. Rene You shoulda left ‘em swingin’ on the door, dad. How dare you speak about my children in that Sorry, darlin’ but if you can’t see these two kids are spoiled rotten, you’re not lookin’ ‘ard enough. The children poke their tongues out at Rene. Monty children. They’re so lovable. Aren’t you? The children smile effusively for their parents who beam back smiles at them. The children then turn and pull faces at Rene. Rene other people love their kids as much as they do. Harry else’s kid. Rene and Harry have a laugh at this. Amanda Pay no attention to them, children. They are of The trouble with the lower deck rabble is they don’t ‘Ere, just because our ancestors come from the lower decks, doesn’t mean we’re worth less than you, old son. Rene That’s it. We’re all equal on this ship. The upper deck people were always better than the lower deck people. Isn’t that right, mumsy? Amanda Now where you did you ever hear such nonsense? It’s historical fact, isn’t it, Pater? Let’s do, snookums. Let’s do. The others move aside or sit as Monty and Amanda take centre stage. They sing the song with incredible condescension, while the children waltz and poke their tongues out at the others. They are about as annoying as they can be. The children sing the contrapuntal melody in the last chorus. How Many Times are the Plebs .
(The Song of Condescension)
Sung by Monty and Amanda
You poor little creatures you haven’t a clue So let us alert you to etiquette’s rules Gather ‘round, you plebeians, from your betters take heed For we wish to avoid all embarrassing scenes If you can’t afford ‘A’ deck, we can’t talk to you If you work for a living, we’re sorry for you But please don’t expect us to parlez with vous With a shallow politeness we’ll smile as we hurry on through How many times are the plebs where they ought not to be? How many times are the plebs given power inappropriately? How many times are the plebs above where they ought to be? How many times are the plebs positioned erroneously? It’s so hard to govern a rabble, my dear Revolution will swell in their quaint little hearts Then they’ll slip and they’ll fall on their collective arse They will simply trade masters, they weren’t born to rule For their blood is to thin and they’re thick, as a rule Please don’t be offended, you low level scum For the great day approaches and the judgement will come And we have on authority, God is an Englishman. Why shame on you, Monty and Amanda. I’m surprised at both of you - believin’ in class distinction like that. Why, you’ve never known more than a handful of people. Where’d you get a notion like that? Amanda ‘The Handbook for the Filthy Rich’ is quite specific about the circumstances under which the hoity-toity may mingle with the hoi polloi. Monty states categorically the harmful effects of the upper and lower decks intermingling. Harry

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